Why You Should Never TELL a Child About Their Adoption

Dear Katie - We’re thinking about adopting a child. We’re learning about open adoption, and one question keeps coming up: When and how do you tell a child they’re adopted? We’re worried it might confuse them or introduce concepts they’re too young to understand. Signed - A Nervous Newbie

If you’ve asked this question, you’re not alone. It’s one of the most common concerns I hear from prospective adoptive parents. And here’s my short answer:

You don’t.

Now, before you come for me—stay with me. I promise this isn’t a dismissal. It’s a reframe.

The Truth Should Never Be a Reveal

I don’t want your child to ever remember “finding out” they were adopted. I want them to grow up in a home where their story is simply part of the air they breathe—where questions, emotions, and conversations about adoption are expected, welcomed, and ongoing.

Adoptees should not grow up recalling “the day they learned the truth,” or hearing about their adoption from a relative, teacher, or friend instead of their parents. That kind of delayed disclosure can feel like betrayal, even if it was well-intentioned.

Instead of a one-time reveal, think of adoption as a lifelong narrative. One that starts early, evolves with your child’s understanding, and is woven into everyday life.

Embedding Adoption Into Daily Life

So what does that look like?

• Use language early and often. Words like “first mom,” “first family,” and “adoption” should be part of your child’s vocabulary from the beginning.

• Tell their story in age-appropriate ways. You don’t have to share every detail at once. Start simple, and build as they grow.

• Normalize curiosity and emotion. Let your child know it’s okay to ask questions, feel confused, or even feel sad. Adoption brings up complex emotions—and that’s okay.

• Include books about adoption and non-traditional families in your home library. My children's book, The Love Tree, gives families any easy way to have meaningful conversations about adoption, belonging, and love.

  
  

So if you’re wondering when to tell your child they’re adopted, the answer is: start now. Start before they can even understand the words. Start by creating a home where their story is honored from day one.

In short: there should never be a single conversation where a child is “told” they’re adopted. They should always know. They should grow up understanding that they have both a first family and an adoptive family—and that both are part of who they are.