Mother's Day Musings About Open Adoption

Today my eyes welled up with tears when my 11 yr old child picked up the phone, called their mom, and said “Hi Mom! Happy Mother’s Day! I love you!”

A woman in a white dress holds a bouquet of pink tulips and a handmade card adorned with pink hearts and the word "MOM".

My eyes welled up not because I was jealous or hurting, I was crying because I am so grateful they have such a close relationship. My heart breaks when I think of what the alternative could’ve been. Her not hearing anything about her child for years, spending Mother’s Day wondering how they are doing. Them growing up with unanswered questions about her. Instead, they chatted on the phone, catching up since they last talked 2 weeks ago.

Adoptive parents, do the work you need so that you can be happy and delighted when your child has the opportunity to be with and talk with their parents. Remember, it’s not about you and your child deserves to grow up whole, knowing their whole family. Open adoption can (and should be) so much more than sending a letter and pictures once a year.

If your stomach clenched up reading what I shared above, and you think “Oh gosh, I don’t know, Mother’s Day is MY DAY!!! I don't know if i can share it” please do the work you need to deal with your feelings, so your kid doesn’t have to. Your child should be able to pick up the phone and talk to their family without you being riddled with jealousy.

I know some of you will say “What about safety concerns?” If there are true, legitimate safety concerns, and there is absolutely no safe way for a child to talk to their family,

that is a different thing (and there are still ways to create a spirit of openness for your child which I'll talk about in another post), but if it is simply because you are jealous, or that it breaks your heart when your child calls someone else mom, that’s on you and you need to do the work to be OK with that. I say this from a place of loving firmness. There was a time when I was very jealous, but then I realized it wasn’t about me.

My hope is that you get to a place where it is not a big deal when your child calls their mom for Mother’s Day. Not Birthmother’s Day. Go to therapy, do whatever you need to accept that your kid has two families, no prefix or separate day needed.

Have you changed your thoughts on celebrating Mother's or Father's Day and adoption over time? Comment on this post or join the conversation on my Facebook page!